I’m busy wrestling with a script this week. One of those wiry, flipping fuckers that refuses to stay down or submit. We’re in the midst of a two week long wrestling match over here and this script is still defying my every attempt to pin it for the three count. But I am determined to put it down before the New Year, no matter what sort of crazy moves off the top rope I’ve gotta pull.
So hi, that’s what I’m up to. But I just wanted to take a moment to remind you that ONCE UPON A TIME AT THE END OF THE WORLD #2 is in comic book stores as of today. And it features this exchange, as drawn by Alexandre Tefenkgi, colored by Lee Loughridge and lettered by AndWorldDesign.
You’ll have to pick up the comic to see what sort of survival skills our intrepid wasteland adventurers, Maceo and Mezzy, rattle off to impress each other. But while we’re here, I thought I’d give you a rundown of all the super important survival skills that I myself have steadfastly developed over the years. Be prepared to be dazzled.
—My thumbs are weirdly-jointed and bend back in a way that always seems to gross out my girlfriend (and she’s an ER nurse who sees wildly repulsive shit every day).
—I’m pretty good at grilling steaks. At least when a functioning gas grill or an oven is handy. Though I always smoke up the house pretty good when I use a skillet.
—I know where to get the best meals in every stateside Disney theme park.
—I know all the words to a lot of 80s hair metal songs and 90s rap songs that I’d forgotten I still know, but uh, yeah, turns out they’re all still up there.
—I can remember that the guitarist for Motely Crue is Mick Mars and the guitarist for Quiet Riot is Carlos Cavazo and the drummer for Ace Frehley’s post-KISS solo projects was Anton Fig, but I can’t for the life of me remember the name of someone at a party who literally just told me their name five seconds ago.
—I’ve gotten pretty good at keeping plants alive. Except for the ones that just suddenly wither out of the blue for seemingly no fucking reason at all, like a bunch of little assholes.
—I’m really good at just… keeping things. I’ve still got every toy I ever played with as a kid, even the G.I. Joes whose legs fell off. I’ve got the Superman nightlight I used when I was a toddler (and it still works). I’ve got my ticket stub from seeing Prince’s Purple Rain tour on February 3, 1985.
—I’m on level 4604 of Candy Crush. That’s… that’s probably something I should be ashamed of, isn’t it? Nevermind on that one.
—I studied Yoshukai karate when I was a kid and made it to the lowest level of black belt. At some point in middle school, someone started the rumor that they’d seen me kick the top of a radiator in the boy’s bathroom, which was way above my head. This definitely never happened. But I saw no need to point that out at the time.
Any other useful survival skills? Um, no. No, I think that pretty much covers it. So yeah, in other words, come the apocalypse, I’ll be dead as fuck. So until then, I’ll stick to making up fun little stories about the end times.
If you’ve got some definitely-not-useless skills of your own, tell the world about them in the comments.
And here’s a preview of ONCE UPON A TIME AT THE END OF THE WORLD #2.
Notes & Links & Things & Stuff
—Aaron Kuder’s stunning cover for AVENGERS ASSEMBLE: OMEGA was recently released. The last issue of my last Avengers story. It’ll be a rather large one.
—I got new toys for Christmas. Hope you did too.
Gorr has been busy. Across the cosmos, all deities have fallen to his dark power. All but one. In the North Pole, Claus wakes to the screaming of elves. So begins the final stand of the last of the gods. Yuletide magic vs. All-Black the Necrosword. Get ready for A Very God-Butchery Christmas.
—And the End of the World tour goes international, as I’ll see you in Prague in April 2023 for all days of Comic-Con Prague.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a script to get back to bludgeoning senseless.
This has been Beard Missives, direct from the festive fucking face of Jason Aaron.
This year was joyous at times and deeply difficult at others, but I find myself ready to springboard off it into the New Year loaded with a bounty of excitement and all manner of gratefulness for what it’s provided me. Hope you’re enjoying your own final gurgles of 2022. See you on the other side. Cheers.
KC, December 28, 2022
Things To Come
ONCE UPON A TIME AT THE END OF THE WORLD #2 — December 28, 2022
AVENGERS #64 — January 4, 2023
AVENGERS FOREVER #13 — January 18, 2023
PUNISHER #9 — January 18, 2023
ONCE UPON A TIME AT THE END OF THE WORLD #3 — January 25, 2023
AVENGERS #65 — February 1, 2023
AVENGERS: HISTORY’S MIGHTIEST HEROES trade — February 7, 2023
AVENGER FOREVER #14 — February 15, 2023
AVENGERS FOREVER Vol. 2 trade — February 21, 2023
ONCE UPON A TIME AT THE END OF THE WORLD #4 — February 22, 2023
Thanks for letting us know about your skills (aside from writing). My family and I were recently in Disney World. I’d love to hear your dining recommendations.
thank you for these messages, and for your work, for all your stories.
i'm revisiting your jane foster saga in this big thick trade right now and it's beautiful again.
thanks for doing what you do!
also, if memory serves, you might live in or around kansas city.
i do standup comedy and i'll be headlining The Comedy Club of Kansas City next month.
if you're around and interested (1/13-14), i'd be happy to have you on the guest list.
regardless, thank you for all things!
PS love the phrasing of "the festive fucking face of Jason Aaron." thank you for your festive fucking brain and heart and all.